***Job Openings at St. John the Baptist! Dr. Eleanor Kelly, long time Director of Religious Education (DRE) at St. John’s in Front Royal got her pink slip for refusing to be fingerprinted. Eleven years educating hundreds of kids [who actually learned the faith], extensive teaching experience, the Pro Dei et Patria Award for service to the Church, etc. weren’t enough to save her from the ax. She’s out. Also fired is her assistant, Shan Loughry and numerous volunteer religion teachers.

***LFOOP (Les Femmes Office of Personnel) to the rescue! For continuity in the religious ed program at St. John’s we offer for immediate hire the following applicant – Michael Jackson. Candidate has been fingerprinted, photographed, examined, interviewed, strip searched, [we won’t go there], etc. and is fully qualified under safe environment guidelines. The background check, including review of trial transcripts, jury interviews, and plastic surgeon’s records found no proof of criminal behavior. Candidate loves children.

As a musician he can fill dual roles as both DRE and music minister. He will definitely jazz up boring liturgies and pack ’em in the aisles. Candidate plans to start a boys’ liturgical dance team [Sister moon-walking workshops will be offered.] and will host the annual altar boys picnic at his Tinkerbell Estate. It is a win-win-win situation for the parish. LFOOP advises quick hire before he takes another position. [He’s a fast mover!] Candidate is not Catholic. LFOOP finds that advantageous since he is free of religious hang-ups. Besides, knowledge and belief in the Catholic faith are obviously not required. We note the continued employment of: Fr. Richard McBrien (Notre Dame) who questions the virgin birth, ex-Jesuit pro-abort theologian Dan Maguire (Marquette), same-sex marriage advocate Fr. James Keenan, S.J. (Boston College), etc., etc. Applicant has agreed to be fingerprinted fulfilling the sole qualification for teaching religion.

***Belling the ex-cats (catechists, that is)! Since there are many situations in parishes where adults inadvertently come into contact with minors, the Child Protection Office has mandated that all non-fingerprinted adults must wear bells signifying that a person is near who presents a potential threat to children. Bell must be rung in the following situations, but is not limited to these: upon entering any diocesan building or facility where children may be present, including schools, churches, gymnasiums, playgrounds, parking lots, etc.; upon entering a bathroom at said locations; at all parish functions attended by children; riding a parish-sponsored bus to any off-parish function; at parish coffees, especially when reaching for the same doughnut as a minor, since physical contact is likely. Bells must be clearly visible at all times and rung continuously for a minimum of 30 seconds to ensure those concerned have ample opportunity to remove children. There are no exceptions to this policy.

***Our concern for children & diocesan liability compels us to make the following additional recommendations to boost security. Permanent finger-printing stations with direct connection to the state database will be set up in all school offices allowing instant background checks of visitors, workmen, parents, and others entering the school. Each parish will also operate a mobile station to screen those attending Masses, weddings, funerals, picnics, and other parish functions. Since minor-on-minor abuse is a significant problem mandatory fingerprinting will be expanded immediately to include youth between the ages of 10 and 17 who may prey on younger children. [Reference VIRTUS slide show at www.virtus.org which features abuser describing his first molestation of a five-year-old when he was ten. Hmm…was he taking sex ed at the time?] Cameras will be installed in all sacristies, confessionals, and bathrooms throughout the diocese. They will be monitored from a centralized chancery video station manned at all times.

Since there is at present no way to know who has been fingerprinted and who has not, we also suggest a clearly visible tattoo on the back of the right hand of the compliant. The triangle with an eye shows the threefold unity between bishop, pastor, and layman who are all “keeping an eye” on the kids. Tattooing will significantly reduce administrative costs of the program since the elect will be readily separated from the suspect. [We acknowledge our debt to Dr. Seuss’s star-bellied Sneetches for this idea. Ah… we feel safer now!]

***Hail Sodom, Gomorrah, Tyre, & Sidon! June means wedding bells for brides and grooms, but as the busiest month for nuptials ended, Canada’s parliament approved C-38, a bill defining marriage as “the lawful union of two persons to the exclusion of all others.” Bride/bride and groom/groom hookups became legal when the bill was signed into law the end of July. Formerly Catholic Spain also ratified same-sex unions in June, bringing to four (with Belgium and the Netherlands) the number of countries endorsing “pretend marriage” so same-sex couples can play house. Canadians did not want gay marriage. It was IMPOSED by the courts, a lesson for the U.S. Fight judicial activism! [Buy your asbestos umbrella. Fire and brimstone are on the weather map.]

***Canada’s Calgary Bishop Fred Henry took a firm stand against the law warning that, “Legislation which redefines marriage cannot achieve the impossible. It cannot alter the simple reality that there is a fundamental difference between a relationship that, by its nature, has the potential to create a child and a relationship that, by its nature, absolutely does not. The proposed re-invention of the institution of marriage means that marriage must be disconnected from procreation, and the traditional family…must be dismantled. This will effectively make children’s rights secondary to adults and turn on its head the ethical principle that children, as the most vulnerable people, must come first.” For daring to speak the truth, Revenue Canada [the IRS of the North] threatened the Church tax exemption; two “gays” charged the bishop with hate speech; and some disgruntled misfits sent angry letters, including death threats. Bishop Henry unflappably responded, “My job is to be bishop, a pastor, a teacher ... Church teachings are very clear on orientation with respect to sexuality – none of that can change." The bishop also says that anyone promoting same sex unions is “guilty of a grave offense against God.” The situation in Canada continues to deteriorate with some calling for state regulation of religion. [Hmm…by drawing and quartering perhaps à la Henry VIII and Elizabeth I? We can hear the cries of the tolerant “gay” couples going after the intolerant homophobes. “Hang ’em at Tyburn!”]

***So what? That’s Canada, not the U.S. Unfortunately, the U.S. is moving inexorably in the same ugly direction. In June, federal judge, Henry Lee Adams, Jr., forced the city of St. Augustine, FL to fly rainbow flags over the historic Bridge of Lions. The event ended a two-year battle with a local group of deviants, the St. Augustine Pride Committee, claiming freedom of speech and equal protection. [Imagine the flap if the Daughters of the Confederacy tried to raise the Stars and Bars on the bridge. Ah… but some are more equal than others.] In May, John Conyers and Ted Kennedy introduced in the House and Senate, respectively, the Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Act of 2005 (HR 2662), The bill expands a 1968 law by adding sexual orientation, gender, and disability to areas covered. The house version goes even further including “gender identity.” [Whatever that means. Hmm …with human/animal cloning on the horizon, one day it will probably refer to folks with a natural fur coat.] Note the word “local” in the bill title. This bill allows the feds to butt into local affairs if interstate commerce is involved. [It always is! Hey…did the perpetrator call somebody a qu*** at a 7-Eleven that sells Krispy Kreme doughnuts fried in another state?] Or the Attorney General can intervene if he believes the state “left demonstrably unvindicated the Federal interest in eradicating bias-motivated violence.” Consider the abuse of federal RICO legislation targeting mob activity. RICO continues to be used against non-violent pro-life activists like Joe Scheidler. This is one more pernicious bill aimed at suppressing politically incorrect speech. Talk radio may be the real target. [Dr. Laura is eeeeevil and filled with hate!] When anyone brings up hate crimes run for cover. They are NOT about defending rights. They are all about suppressing free speech. No one can read anyone’s heart. A crime victim is just as dead if he’s killed for his leather jacket and Adidas or the color of his skin or his depraved sex practices.

***While we’re protecting the children, what about the deplorable state of affairs on so-called Catholic college campuses? The V-Monologues’ annual run at Catholic schools continues without comment or action by most local bishops. According to the Cardinal Newman Society, 35 Catholic schools featured the porn play in 2005. In Colchester, VT, St. Michael’s College recently hired openly “gay” Unitarian Jeffrey Trumbower to serve as dean of the liberal arts college. He moves from his current position as chairman of the religious studies department. [We aren’t joking! If you wonder how this reconciles with Ex Corde Ecclesiae’s call for theologians at Catholic schools to be true to the faith well…don’t ask us.] As dean, Trumbower oversees curriculum changes and faculty evaluations. Since homosexuals are notorious for surrounding themselves with handsome young men with similar depraved tastes, St. Mike’s will no doubt soon have many young male liberal arts professors in leather jackets and tight jeans who flirt with each other and flex their biceps as they work out at the school gym between classes. [Will fingerprinting protect vulnerable young adults on “Catholic” campuses like this?]

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