TWILIGHT
ZONE
***Job Openings
at St. John the Baptist! Dr. Eleanor Kelly, long time
Director of Religious Education (DRE) at St. John’s in Front Royal
got her pink slip for refusing to be fingerprinted. Eleven years educating
hundreds of kids [who actually learned the faith], extensive teaching
experience, the Pro Dei et Patria Award for service to the Church, etc.
weren’t enough to save her from the ax. She’s out. Also fired
is her assistant, Shan Loughry and numerous volunteer religion teachers.
***LFOOP (Les Femmes
Office of Personnel) to the rescue! For continuity
in the religious ed program at St. John’s we offer for immediate
hire the following applicant – Michael Jackson. Candidate has been
fingerprinted, photographed, examined, interviewed, strip searched, [we
won’t go there], etc. and is fully qualified under safe environment
guidelines. The background check, including review of trial transcripts,
jury interviews, and plastic surgeon’s records found no proof of
criminal behavior. Candidate loves children.
As a musician
he can fill dual roles as both DRE and music minister. He will definitely
jazz up boring liturgies and pack ’em in the aisles. Candidate plans
to start a boys’ liturgical dance team [Sister moon-walking workshops
will be offered.] and will host the annual altar boys picnic at his
Tinkerbell Estate. It is a win-win-win situation for the parish. LFOOP
advises quick hire before he takes another position. [He’s a
fast mover!] Candidate is not Catholic. LFOOP finds that advantageous
since he is free of religious hang-ups. Besides, knowledge and belief
in the Catholic faith are obviously not required. We note the continued
employment of: Fr. Richard McBrien (Notre Dame) who questions the virgin
birth, ex-Jesuit pro-abort theologian Dan Maguire (Marquette), same-sex
marriage advocate Fr. James Keenan, S.J. (Boston College), etc., etc.
Applicant has agreed to be fingerprinted fulfilling the sole qualification
for teaching religion.
***Belling the
ex-cats (catechists, that is)! Since
there are many situations in parishes where adults inadvertently come
into contact with minors, the Child Protection Office has mandated that
all non-fingerprinted adults must wear bells signifying that a person
is near who presents a potential threat to children. Bell must be rung
in the following situations, but is not limited to these: upon entering
any diocesan building or facility where children may be present, including
schools, churches, gymnasiums, playgrounds, parking lots, etc.; upon entering
a bathroom at said locations; at all parish functions attended by children;
riding a parish-sponsored bus to any off-parish function; at parish coffees,
especially when reaching for the same doughnut as a minor, since physical
contact is likely. Bells must be clearly visible at all times and rung
continuously for a minimum of 30 seconds to ensure those concerned have
ample opportunity to remove children. There are no exceptions to this
policy.
***Our concern
for children & diocesan liability compels us to
make the following additional recommendations to boost security. Permanent
finger-printing stations with direct connection to the state database
will be set up in all school offices allowing instant background checks
of visitors, workmen, parents, and others entering the school. Each parish
will also operate a mobile station to screen those attending Masses, weddings,
funerals, picnics, and other parish functions. Since minor-on-minor abuse
is a significant problem mandatory fingerprinting will be expanded immediately
to include youth between the ages of 10 and 17 who may prey on younger
children. [Reference VIRTUS slide show at www.virtus.org which features
abuser describing his first molestation of a five-year-old when he was
ten. Hmm…was he taking sex ed at the time?] Cameras will be
installed in all sacristies, confessionals, and bathrooms throughout the
diocese. They will be monitored from a centralized chancery video station
manned at all times.
Since there
is at present no way to know who has been fingerprinted and who has not,
we also suggest a clearly visible tattoo on the back of the right hand
of the compliant. The triangle with an eye shows the threefold unity between
bishop, pastor, and layman who are all “keeping an eye” on
the kids. Tattooing will significantly reduce administrative costs of
the program since the elect will be readily separated from the suspect.
[We acknowledge our debt to Dr. Seuss’s star-bellied Sneetches
for this idea. Ah… we feel safer now!]
***Hail Sodom,
Gomorrah, Tyre, & Sidon! June means wedding bells
for brides and grooms, but as the busiest month for nuptials ended, Canada’s
parliament approved C-38, a bill defining marriage as “the lawful
union of two persons to the exclusion of all others.” Bride/bride
and groom/groom hookups became legal when the bill was signed into law
the end of July. Formerly Catholic Spain also ratified same-sex unions
in June, bringing to four (with Belgium and the Netherlands) the number
of countries endorsing “pretend marriage” so same-sex couples
can play house. Canadians did not want gay marriage. It was IMPOSED by
the courts, a lesson for the U.S. Fight judicial activism! [Buy your
asbestos umbrella. Fire and brimstone are on the weather map.]
***Canada’s
Calgary Bishop Fred Henry took a firm stand against
the law warning that, “Legislation which redefines marriage cannot
achieve the impossible. It cannot alter the simple reality that there
is a fundamental difference between a relationship that, by its nature,
has the potential to create a child and a relationship that, by its nature,
absolutely does not. The proposed re-invention of the institution of marriage
means that marriage must be disconnected from procreation, and the traditional
family…must be dismantled. This will effectively make children’s
rights secondary to adults and turn on its head the ethical principle
that children, as the most vulnerable people, must come first.”
For daring to speak the truth, Revenue Canada [the IRS of the North]
threatened the Church tax exemption; two “gays” charged
the bishop with hate speech; and some disgruntled misfits sent angry letters,
including death threats. Bishop Henry unflappably responded, “My
job is to be bishop, a pastor, a teacher ... Church teachings are very
clear on orientation with respect to sexuality – none of that can
change." The bishop also says that anyone promoting same sex unions
is “guilty of a grave offense against God.” The situation
in Canada continues to deteriorate with some calling for state regulation
of religion. [Hmm…by drawing and quartering perhaps à
la Henry VIII and Elizabeth I? We can hear the cries of the tolerant “gay”
couples going after the intolerant homophobes. “Hang ’em at
Tyburn!”]
***So what? That’s
Canada, not the U.S. Unfortunately, the U.S. is moving
inexorably in the same ugly direction. In June, federal judge, Henry Lee
Adams, Jr., forced the city of St. Augustine, FL to fly rainbow flags
over the historic Bridge of Lions. The event ended a two-year battle with
a local group of deviants, the St. Augustine Pride Committee, claiming
freedom of speech and equal protection. [Imagine the flap if the Daughters
of the Confederacy tried to raise the Stars and Bars on the bridge. Ah…
but some are more equal than others.] In May, John Conyers and Ted
Kennedy introduced in the House and Senate, respectively, the Local Law
Enforcement Hate Crimes Act of 2005 (HR 2662), The bill expands a 1968
law by adding sexual orientation, gender, and disability to areas covered.
The house version goes even further including “gender identity.”
[Whatever that means. Hmm …with human/animal cloning on the horizon,
one day it will probably refer to folks with a natural fur coat.]
Note the word “local” in the bill title. This bill allows
the feds to butt into local affairs if interstate commerce is involved.
[It always is! Hey…did the perpetrator call somebody a qu***
at a 7-Eleven that sells Krispy Kreme doughnuts fried in another state?]
Or the Attorney General can intervene if he believes the state “left
demonstrably unvindicated the Federal interest in eradicating bias-motivated
violence.” Consider the abuse of federal RICO legislation targeting
mob activity. RICO continues to be used against non-violent pro-life activists
like Joe Scheidler. This is one more pernicious bill aimed at suppressing
politically incorrect speech. Talk radio may be the real target. [Dr.
Laura is eeeeevil and filled with hate!] When anyone brings up hate
crimes run for cover. They are NOT about defending rights. They are all
about suppressing free speech. No one can read anyone’s heart. A
crime victim is just as dead if he’s killed for his leather jacket
and Adidas or the color of his skin or his depraved sex practices.
***While we’re protecting the children, what
about the deplorable state of affairs on so-called Catholic college campuses?
The V-Monologues’ annual run at Catholic schools continues without
comment or action by most local bishops. According to the Cardinal Newman
Society, 35 Catholic schools featured the porn play in 2005. In Colchester,
VT, St. Michael’s College recently hired openly “gay”
Unitarian Jeffrey Trumbower to serve as dean of the liberal arts college.
He moves from his current position as chairman of the religious studies
department. [We aren’t joking! If you wonder how this reconciles
with Ex Corde Ecclesiae’s call for theologians at Catholic schools
to be true to the faith well…don’t ask us.] As dean, Trumbower
oversees curriculum changes and faculty evaluations. Since homosexuals
are notorious for surrounding themselves with handsome young men with
similar depraved tastes, St. Mike’s will no doubt soon have many
young male liberal arts professors in leather jackets and tight jeans
who flirt with each other and flex their biceps as they work out at the
school gym between classes. [Will fingerprinting protect vulnerable
young adults on “Catholic” campuses like this?]
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